The Vicious Circle of Miscommunication

Drop Your Guard and Start a Love Revolution

The other day, on our way back home after sharing a wonderful lunch with my brother, we got into a heated conversation that ultimately led nowhere. For a moment, I stood there looking into his eyes, both of us angry as bulls, and wondered in silence, "Why on earth am I doing this?" He is one of the human beings I love the most on this earth, and we spend so much time fighting for reasons neither of us even know. I wanted to tell him about those words in that very instant, but life isn't just like that. It took me several weeks afterward when desperation led me to make a very hard choice.

Do you often find yourself caught up in rabbit hole arguments? Have you fought with someone for so long that you forget the initial main reason? I think we all have, and it's probably part of our social traits as socialized monkeys. Maybe as the say goes, "You always hurt the one you love," courtesy of the Mill Brothers.

When we enter a moment of miscommunication, we stop connecting with the person in front of us, and we start talking to our own assumptions - ideas we have built under a one-sided perception. We have given up on listening to each other and decided that there is only one righteous side: our own. How we get into this hasteful momentum is probably a concoction soup of our mental state, the way we talk and intonate, or even just the moment in life we are living.

One of the easiest examples is when we are angry. We have all this negative noise and energy around us because we have probably encountered it face-to-face, and this negativity has had a direct effect on something we care about or value, making us frustrated and angry (e.g., you get treated extra poorly at work by your boss and colleagues). We then focus on all these things that bother us because obviously, it was a big deal, at least on that day or at that moment. This makes us see life through a "half-empty glass" vision - everything is missing something or not good enough - and those people, in fact, everyone, is disappointing and deficient. And while you cannot say that is completely wrong, at the end of the day, if you aren't looking at the glass half full, then what are you doing? You won't find perfection, or a glass that's absolutely full.

I also agree with all of you that it's surely a tricky one, trying to remember that even in the hardest of times, and we will probably mess up again. But the next time we mess up, how about we make up for unnecessary fighting when we can be trying together to fill the cup with even more compassion and empathy?

The second one is quite easy, but like most simple things in life, they seem to be ultra-complicated, quite the opposite, in fact. The way we tend to behave physically - the faces we make, even the way we look at others - is all received and processed by a completely different human than us. One way for us might mean the opposite for them. Let's try to remember that, and make it our lighthouse, so we can also remember that our prejudices, and even some we are found to have, are probably not accurate at all. And if they are accurate at a certain moment, they most probably won't be valid for the rest of our lives. We are emotional animals that change and morph constantly. The worst thing one could do is put a label on you dated "For Forever."

 Last but not least, just like the way we look physically and the way we behave, at the end of the day, we are all living completely different lives, with highs and lows, some that seem to last forever, some that pass in a blink of an eye. On top of that, every single one of us begins from a unique starting point and creates their own particular path, like little creeks making their way to the ocean. Unfortunately, some won't even make it. That is just the nature of nature, pal. So, don't judge someone as if they had the same creek as you. Why not better focus on the fact that we are all just trying to make it to the ocean, together, in a million different ways?

I often try to remember the fact that we judge so many people based on how we see them in front of us, what we have read or heard about them, but we have never really seen what they see. Just like you would laugh if someone tells you they know how you think and what you feel, it sounds absurd, right? Because it is! All these little misconceptions we have mix up on both sides, and poof! An argument starts. While sharing opposite ideas is probably one of the best ways to grow, we often do the opposite and prepare for battle. We put on our hard armor and grimace with our teeth, we protect ourselves from all externalities and when we have the slightest chance, lash out with our hidden sword. Our so-called conversation turns into an endless battle between two defensive sides that are too scared to make a move and too angry to surrender. The vicious cycle never ends.

How about starting today, we drop our shield and sword, stop the war, and share love?